Disorder

What is it that they say about the best laid plans? I am struggling to begin this post because I have so much to say, to explain, to talk out for my own sake. I feel like this year, this twenty-second year that will soon be coming to an end, will be one that I look back on later in life and remember as crucial, formative, beautiful. I’ll follow this post with another with the usual update of our finances and plans. For now, I need to use this blog for its original purpose. I need to document my thoughts. I have a deep and unshakeable feeling that these concerns and questions that have lately been dominating my mind will influence my adult life in the most drastic of ways.

The biggest realization that I have had this year is that I am young and I am old. The past several months have been the first instance since I graduated high school that I have had the time to evaluate myself and my life. At twenty-two, after almost two degrees and two and a half years of marriage, I have suddenly opened my eyes to the fact that I am now an adult. Watching friends and family memberswho are close to my own age have babies, second or third babies, get married, get divorced, find and lose jobs has put my own life into perspective. Thankfully, I still have many milestones, such as motherhood, ahead of me. But I also have breezed through several major steps to adulthood without giving them much consideration. The word intentional now comes to mind. I want to live intentionally. So many of my peers are not living intentionally.

I feel that I have been floundering, grasping, yearning for something in the past year that I have not been able to identify. I have discontinued graduate school, let go of a career goal that I had since high school, entered a new profession about which I knew nothing, set my intentions on beginning a doctoral degree, and laid out careful plans with my husband for our financial future. My indecisiveness must be replaced with…something.

When I first began this blog around nine months ago, I wrote about my and Cody’s plans for our family life in ‘Motivations and Intentions.’ I wrote about valuing time over money, about setting my family above anything else in this world.  I cherish my marriage. I cherish the possibility of motherhood and the responsibilities that role will entail. Above all, I cherish my faith and my Jesus, treasures that I have slowly let slip through my fingers in the past few years. I have everything in this life that I could possibly want and yet my heart is aching for purpose, fearful of squandering all the good things that I have been blessed with.

There are things that I have been exposed to in the past year that frighten me, that I want to shelter myself from. I see marriages crumble on a daily basis, precious little babies who are their parents’ afterthoughts, people who are so concerned about their things that they are unable to enjoy the beauty of the world in which they live.

What is really important to me? Growing closer to my God. Loving my husband. Building a home in which our future child or children will be loved and guided. Exploring this beautiful world in which we live. Being responsible, content, happy.

And so, what will I do? I do not know.  I know that decisions must be made in this twenty-second year of my life, decisions about what I will be, about who I am. I realize that I am on the figurative precipice. All doors are open and it is up to me.

“For God is not a God of disorder but of peace…” 1 Corinthians 14:33

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